Ways Handbags Are Like Vaginas:
In your 20s, your vag is young and fresh, and associating not at all or occasionally with whatever is cute at the time. Your bag is small or even tiny, and is so exclusive that only half of what you want to take will fit inside at any given time. It is clean and the zip works properly.
In your 30s, you are not so young, or so fresh because of the use and abuse of the previous decade. You probably have kids and so, your vag is merely the exit ramp for the fruits of your husband’s loins. Your vag needs maintenance, and often an audience is involved. Your handbag also has quite a few similarities that you might not be happy about: it’s bigger, it’s heavier, there are leavings from children, it has stuff on the bottom of it that you don’t know what it is, you worry that your husband can’t find what either of you needs inside it. The zip is broken, the strap a little frayed, and the whole thing is faded even though it’s not really that old because your husband bought it for you just before the baby was born.
Heading towards your 40s, there are less kid leavings, if any, in your vag as well as your bag, and you might be friends with your gyno because you visit less often for a gloved inspection, you hopefully get more !hello! and less child-related hullabaloo when it’s supposed to be bedtime. Your handbag might also have shrunk, with only a few things inside and not many things for the kids because they are old enough to carry their own junk if they can for one minute leave their junk alone. Your handbag might even be a bit cheeky again like your younger self.
I can’t think beyond 40s because right now I’m sticking with my super cute striped Betsy Johnson, and I’m not telling what’s inside.
Tag: adulting
Working for the Man
5yo starts kindergarten in September and so it will be daytime soap operas and martinis for me, or will it? Maybe I end up getting a job. It wouldn’t be the end of the world but it’s hard to imagine working for the man when I’m still working for my men right now.
My kids have ruined me and now I can’t imagine working for a boss that’s not myself, or someone who isn’t necessarily much shorter and younger than me spouting ‘tude and asking for a smack on the butt without challenging me on sexually appropriate behaviour in the workplace.
What would happen if I did stuff in an office – which is where I used to work – like what goes on at home?
? Swearing under my breath – someone would hear it and understand it and I’d get in trouble.
? Not doing jobs – laundry and etc piling up – I resent getting interrupted to have to do chores and I’m not sure I make that work in a situation where I’m getting paid in more than hugs and kisses and Darwinian satisfaction without having to actual work.
? Staying up late to be adulting rather than parenting, I’d be tired at work just like I am now, except that whole getting paid in more than thing again.
? Googling personal shit instead of what I’m really supposed to be doing. I’m pretty sure it’s harder to do when not reclining with phone in hand on a couch.
? Turning up late and letting coworkers to take care of their own shit, eg boys getting dressed and breakfasted and occupying themselves while I sleep in. Actually that sounds like a promotion and a payrise. Maybe getting out on the workplace won’t be so bad after all.
4 Princes and Me 