Been hearing a lot on the radio and tv about The Big One. Apparently our water supply – well, the town’s water supply, we are on well water but who knows if we will be affected the same way – sits on land that will be affected by liquifaction, so the water will literally go down the plug hole. Meaning everyone will die of thirst, or be killed as a result of fighting over water. Good times.
There was a blackout at our house last weekend, so we had a practice run as to how things will go.
1. Everybody exclaim over the lack of power
2. Flick every light switch on and off quickly. We have a large house with loads of switches…
3. Trip over every toy on the floor whilst attempting to play in the dark
4. Ooh and aah over candles with faces alarmingly close to the flames
5. Grab and run around with flashlights
6. Open the fridge and stand in front of it to look at everything. Close fridge without putting anything in or taking anything out
7. Discover water is not working because the well pump is on the electricity, and therefore powerless.
8. Assume last nights dinner was a poor choice. Go to the bathroom. The exhaust fan will not work. The toilet cistern will not refill. Call out through semi-open bathroom door not to flush if you only do a wee.
9. Crack open last of the bulk bottled water. Leave half-drunk cups of water in every room
10. Accompany child to the bathroom because it’s still dark. Curse lack of exhaust fan. That’s now 3 toilets that are out of water.
11. Give everyone the last of the clif bars for breakfast. Weigh option of driving to store to buy more: using gas, risk of riots, getting shot etc, drawing attention to your use of resources from envious and desperate fellow citizens…
12. Decide against foraying into town. Go upstairs to use the bathroom. At least this window can open. That’s 4 toilets now used. Berate self for not buying this:
13. Mentally attempt to locate the funnel
14. Give self a talking to in the mirror about justifying not buying the expensive washboard, even though there is now almost no way to clean clothing etc.
15. Collect eggs from the chickens. Initiate smug internal monologue about disaster preparedness.
16. Have power miraculously return and save family from untimely death due to dire bathroom conditions.
17. Flush toilets because you can as often as you turn off the lights the kids flicked on earlier during calamity.
18. Go out for breakfast, flaunting resources with your devil-may-care attitude.
Take away notes from this experience:
*buy more emergency waterbottles
*store spare fuel stored in jerry cans
*install underground panic room and escape hatch under kitchen bench
*investigate diy youtube videos on kitchen joinery and tunneling reinforcement
*consider pillow treatment for all in event of global catastrophe…