Moving past the guilt

I don’t like missing out on things, and I have only recently been able to delegate gracefully. So having a fistful of kids is tough, for more than a bunch of obvious reasons.
Having more kids means doing less with the first one, and maybe doing even less with the second one because the third one is learning all those hard lessons of manhood like peeing outside and getting out of bed at an appropriate time in the good gosh darn morning, that his brothers have mastered already. And now that 7yo is doing awesome things like reading on his own, and attending first grade field trips, I am especially sad to miss out on things.
First time parents contemplating consecutives always wonder about having enough love to share amongst the fruits of their loins. I have moved past that emotional hurdle, but am at a similar hurdle, just further down the road. I have, in the past, been able to be a classroom helper, but as 7yo is in a new school this year and my time is scheduled differently now, I have not been able to (realistically) make time for the classroom. I’ve wanted to help with or drive or attend field trips, but have missed out for the same reasons; sometimes those reasons are 2 kids and sometimes only 1. I couldn’t go on an awesome field trip today because of 1 kid – Husband was also out of town, otherwise he certainly would have gone along. And a week or so ago, I missed out on seeing 7yo give a short speech in front of his class (with a microphone!) about something he had made as part of a unit they were studying, and that was because I had to take 3.5yo to the bathroom. Woe! A friend recorded him and sent it to me, but oh, I was sorely disappointed. I cannot get that back. At least there was good and proper cause for the trip, but what bloody awful timing.
That must be all it is, shit timing of all and sundry, including myself and Husband, for not thinking the timing through a bit better, but that is no comfort when there are moments mounting over the next decade and beyond.
[Insert weeping parent emoji here]


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