Another Merry Christmas Tree

It’s December, which means it’s time for a Christmas Tree Saga from yours truly. But honestly, the drama just wasn’t there, this year, even though I chose a) the biggest tree on the lot and certainly b) the tallest of our short lives.

I dressed for the occasion

We rocked up the other day and it was still November because Husband’s travel meant he’d be away the first two weekends in December. Last year the road to perdition was muddy as fuck but being at the beginning of the festive season meant other people would get the muddy end of the stick, er trunk. Anyhoo, it was glorious outside and the kids ran around after critiquing the cider.

Aside from choosing the mobile phone tower, again, I felt like there was less to choose from, this year. In two years it looks like there’ll be a bumper crop, but I cast my eye back to the welcoming scene at the door and Husband inwardly groaned, his back twinged in anticipation. 

No, not that one

It was pre-cut and trying to catch our attention from the get-go with that seductive pose. The kids ran off the sling-shot while Husband and I had a war of eye-rolls.

Someone copped an inadvertent apple in the nuts

Everyone came to investigate and agreed that save for the mobile phone tower, it probably was, or had been, the tallest tree on the lot. The potential problem would be baling.

And carrying.

And getting it home.

But not necessarily in that order.

Anyhoo, we made it! The tree is up, no divorce in sight, and I even managed to get a few lights close to the top,

 though the star never had a chance.

Merry Christmas, y’all!


I Always Win

​Well, I have lived to fight another day – Husband is not only still talking to me, but smiling and dare I say boasting, at how easy the tree was to install this year. He’s even said I can go shopping tomorrow! 

There was a rainstorm this afternoon, but the morning was crisp and clear. There was a bit of mud around the place due to recent weather,  and when we got to the tree farm, one of the dads from school said “its an absolute shit show”. Of course, I thought that sounded perfect.

Walking to the pointy end of the hill, Husband admitted he was getting a bit anxious because of my past tree preferences. He was right to be, because there weren’t that many tall trees left and the ones that were there, were fucking huge.

The tree we chose is somewhat denuded, so it won’t be as heavy.

We needed a 3rd man to hoist the mofo,  which got both of us a bit anxious as we didn’t take the truck, so the tree needed to go on the roof of the car. Nearly 6yo said its “ginormous”.

At home, later, post-rainstorm when Husband had had a chance to think through his options, he came in to fortify himself and then got right down to it. 

He was lulled into false sense of the ease of the task because we trussed the mofo up this time, and because Mariah was screaming in the background, which really helped set the tone. 

The trunk didn’t fit into the base, you know the exta large, heavy duty base that you have to hunt for at hardware stores. But the widdle axe took care of that, and then… voila!

No critters have come out of it, and I’m confident the sap will dry up and turn into delicious, brittle treats since we don’t water our xmas trees – they get lighter and will be easier to dispose of, right into the fireplace. We’re already  happy bunch of assholes, so, Merry Christmas!

Another Griswold Christmas

Okay, I should have written this eeeks ago when we got our tree, but whatevs. I’ve been busy and etc, just like everybody else. Let me wrack my brain and recap…
We went to the same tree farm that we have been to for the last few years. I don’t know if they recognized us but by the end of the visit, the apple sling was off limits, so, yeah.


Anyhoo, Husband drove with 7yo in the truck and when we had both arrived, we hopped out of our respective vehicles gingerly because it had been raining like cats and dogs and everywhere was boggy as shit. No one fell over straight away, but with people intent on getting their asses run over by walking behind reversing vehicles, – seriously, WTF people! – and then our kids followed the dumb ass example and nearly actually got run over. FFS! Cue the shortbread cookies and cider.
We trudged here, there and everywhere arguing over the size and stagnation of a suitable tree, and eventually settled on one but kept looking and then couldn’t find our first choice and then changed our mind, anyway.

Husband and I did agree on a tree, but then the unthinkable happened… We saw that three guys were needed to lift the mofo. Oh shit. I kept silent as it was hauled onto the trailer of the little tractor and driven away. We ambled back down the hill and waited. It took a long time, and I wondered if it had, indeed, become bogged in the mud due to the weight of the tree. It came and then was unloaded.

No apples in the face, a handful of muddy knees but no tears or swearing until much later.


All’s well that ends well? He got over it and could look me in the eye and speak civilly to me eventually.