(In unrelated news, phone sales really piss me off)

Today my almost 5yo told me in the car that he will try and get bitten by a spider so that he can turn into Spiderman. We discussed vehemently not getting bitten by a spider on purpose, for such reasons as the unreality of the whole Spiderman story, chemicals and processes used in science labs, said chemicals and processes probably killing spiders rather than enhancing their natural capabilities, etc.

On the other hand, if perhaps I could get bitten on purpose and gain superhuman parenting energies and skills, that might be another story. My powers would include endless amounts of energy not requiring sleep for recharging, wisdom beyond my years and patience to rival that of deities, and the ability to fly would certainly not go astray! Time travel would be fraught with dangers, so that’s out. George Jetson tubes to get here, there or anywhere would be too fast – it would be nice to fly through the air and dry those busy mama armpits sometimes; also, think of the mama timeouts! Reading people’s minds would be helpful sometimes, but bad bad bad in the end. I wouldn’t want any webs or lasers or any other crazy shit coming out of my body, surely there is enough of that already, post child-birth and post fresh-as-a-daisy-hot-young-person as I am now anyway.

And alter egos. Surely there is enough work involved in keeping my clothes clean getting out of the house when I can have time away, without having to change face masks or costumes. Capes would get caught in the car doors all the time, Lycra isn’t always my thing, on the other hand, secret hideouts would be awesome!

But at the end of the day, I try to be chemical free – for our foods, our household and body products, so I guess that means insect venom as well.