Growing Old Disgracefully

Glancing up from my desk at work the other day, I saw an old lady with thinning hair and a cane, and with dyed hair. I’m not sure if it was maroon or brown or some shade of dark, dark pink. Anyhoo, it got me thinking about my own inevitable decline into senility and inability and I came up with options for myself:

The Golden Girls

What colour will you dye your hair when you decide that too much grey really is too much?

  • Blue
  • Pink
  • Purple
  • Green?
  • Black – I refuse to grow old

Which preferred method of transport will you allow yourself to succumb to?

  • Limousine
  • Push-Walker
  • Wheelchair
  • Scooter Chair
  • Hover Mover – because they would have invented that by the time I get old


As my body shrivels and cries out for moisture (essence of wetness), I know what I will be constantly slurping. What about you?

  • Tea
  • Champagne
  • Gin
  • Other – not worth naming

When our minds are the sharpest part of our bodies, what will be your preferred card game to skewer your fellow captives at whatever retirement option you find yourself in?

  • Spades
  • ‎Rummy
  • Crazy Eights
  • 500
  • Bridge
  • Cribbage
  • Pinochle
  • Solitaire
  • Cheat
  • I Doubt It
  • Bullshit – apparently this is an actual game


Provided you still retain the use of your extremities and your hands, in particular, aren’t too arthritic, what will be your fave thing to Knit/crochet?

  • Baby booties
  • Beanies
  • Viking hats with attached beards
  • Lap blankets
  • Afghans
  • Rude pictures of Donald Trump
  • Mermaid tale blankets
  • Wine koozies
  • Teapot koozies
  • Cooter koozies


What will you do with your boobs?

  • Tie them in a knot
  • Tie them in a bow
  • Toss them over your shoulder
  • Get a nip and tuck so they look like hairless eyebrows
  • Get an enlargement – I refuse to grow old


Are you are waiting til old age to do any or all of the following?

  • Get your first tattoo
  • Get a piercing (perhaps these options won’t hurt as much when you have less sensory perception in your body)
  • Stay late and sleep at Ikea

How will you pass the time when all your friends are dead or dying?

  • Go back to school
  • Go back to bed
  • Stay out in the garden
  • Stay out all night


Let’s assume you will need and therefore get, a cane. It’s perhaps a little more regal than a push walker. You choose a cane tip that best suits your personality by getting

  • A middle finger, perhaps from an actual skeleton
  • The skull of your first husband
  • A spider encased in resin
  • A mosquito encased in amber

If you can still see well enough to pilot a vehicle, which car best suits your proclivities?

  • A smooth, spendy ride
  • A motorbike – no need for an overly large windscreen when you probably need the extra protein in your diet
  • A muscle car, no suspension – you’ll be happy to feel every bump in the road while you’re still alive to feel them
  • A monster truck – sure, you’re looking for excitement but at your age, it’s still hard to see over the traffic


Little old ladies and gentlemen often have collections, and I dare say mine will be something to distract me from my vertical deterioration. Will yours be

  • Decorative collars, RBG-style
  • Powdered wigs
  • Commemorative mugs
  • Decorative teaspoons
  • Stamps, coins, exotic postcards
  • A trail of broken hearts
  • A list of faux friends who died before you
  • Boyfriends still alive
  • Boyfriends will energetic enough to warrant the term

Levity aside, we all need to think of our “arrangements” at some point…

  • Standard coffin
  • Pimped coffin
  • Ice-cream freezer
  • Forget going in a box of any kind, just compress your cremains into a diamond on a piece of jewellery for your Daughter-In-Law, because even in death, you want the last word


Exit strategy – perhaps you’re indeed, next level and consider taking things into your own hands after a long and enjoyable life…

  • Gravitron
  • Skydiving – you either die in the air or when you hit the ground (going out with a bang, anyone?)
  • Massage chair set on the max setting

I dig the massage chair myself, I wouldn’t subject an actual person to pummeling me to death, though.


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