You are a busy parent of 3 kids – boys – 7 and under. You are moderately active but really, really like sleeping and reading on the couch or in bed. You sneak chocolates behind your spouse’s and children’s backs and sit down as often as possible.
Q. After hosting some sort of casual soiree – during which thoughtful friends bring chocolates, wine and delicious slices, all save one friend head home while you and the last stay up til midnight, drinking wine and eating a few more (hundred) delicious treats. Do you
a) Be sick (after your friend leaves) before bed because you drank way more than necessary?
b) Eat the rest of the chocolates (there’s actually a lot left) between breakfast and lunch the following day before your kids come home from school?
c) Wake refreshed and happy to be alive and donate the rest of the yummies to the homeless shelter downtown?
Q. You cook your wonderful cherubs a full breakfast of scrambled eggs, breakfast potatoes (homestyle fries?) and baconised ham. It is all delicious and you shouldn’t miss out on any of the above because (insert innumerable obvious reasons here). Do you
a) Have a healthy serve of everything plus about a litre of tea to go with it?
b) Have an entirely unnecessary late snack and large lunch even though you are still sort of stupidly full from 6 hours ago?
c) Sweat it out at the gym and only nibble carrots for the rest of the day until you are actually hungry again?
Q. You are enjoying gym classes most days, and wear your sneakers even more often because they are great for your feet. But apparently they weigh about 6.5 pounds because at the doctor’s appointment where too many things are checked too often, you weight in around 10lbs heavier than what the scales at home say. Do you
a) Console yourself with food?
b) Reconsider your eating habits then binge on potato chips that you found hiding at the back of the pantry?
c) Get right back on myfitnesspal and stay under those miniscule 1200 calories per day?
Q. Your weekly routine includes almost daily gym classes and you post them regularly on your fitness tracking app to keep yourself motivated and see all the hard work you’ve been putting into your health. Do you
a) Start taking protein shakes after those super powerful weights classes and become what some may describe as almost chronically constipated?
b) Not update your calorie intake because the gym classes will even things out?
c) Get a toned and tightened ass within your goal time period?
Q. You turn up to the gym in some rad outfit and are ready to SWEAT IT OUT, HONEY! You are there on the wrong day. Do you
a) Get into the pool with the oldies even though you are pretty sure one of them tried to casually feel you up on his way across the pool during a previous class?
b) Google some new eatery because you are actually starving?
c) Try a new, really really hard class because you are ready for the next level of ass-kicking?
Q. Your kids are wonderful angels but today, they are sort of shits and you are counting down the seconds until bedtime. Do you
a) Open the wine at the dinner table?
b) Open the bottle to let it breathe while you take the kids upstairs at bedtime so it’s ready at the same time as your fave tv show starts?
c) Take some calming breaths and bring out the monopoly board?
Q. You feel like you have been doing a GREAT job these past 12 months by actually going to gym, rather than just letting them debit your bank account for nothing, but your clothes are not falling off you like thought they might. Do you
a) Get upset about it during a week of hormonal weakness at the gym while talking about it to your gym mentor person in front of other people?
b) Go home and eat whatever you can find?
c) Shake it off? Shake it off? You, you, you shake it off? Shake it off? Wa ha hooooo?
Q. Your youngest child asks about big boobs. Do you
a) Wish yours were bigger while saying that everyone is different and sometime bodies change for different reasons during someone’s lifetime?
b) Wish yours were bigger and leave it at that?
c) Say something like everyone is different then wear fitted tops from now on?
Q. Your children are very observant, and innocently comment on the size of your ass. Do you
a) Use your “Mom” status as reason enough to eat a shit ton of their halloween candy?
b) Eat more of their candy after they are in bed because half of it has wheat in it and one of your kids is gluten intolerant?
c) Playfully smack their adorable little botties and laugh all the way to the bakery?
Congratulations! You made it to the end of this quiz!
If you answered mostly ‘A’s, you may be a parent who has successfully put their kids to bed; you may even have a glass of wine in your hand right now and the tv remote in the other as you doodle online during the ad breaks. You are a successful multi-tasker and are doing a great job of this whole parenting bizzo.
If you answered mostly ‘B’s, you may be tired of your kids’ bullshit, but still love all their crazy shenanigans and embrace your “natural look” with no make-up or brushed hair and breakfast on your face some of the time. You only occasionally compare yourself to other mom’s at the gym who never seem to sweat through their airbrushed makeup. Good for you!
If you answered mostly ‘C’s, you may be a fictional character and can keep on living your happily ever after.