Pop Quiz, Hotshots

You are a busy parent of 3 kids – boys – 7 and under. You are moderately active but really, really like sleeping and reading on the couch or in bed. You sneak chocolates behind your spouse’s and children’s backs and sit down as often as possible.

Q. After hosting some sort of casual soiree – during which thoughtful friends bring chocolates, wine and delicious slices, all save one friend head home while you and the last stay up til midnight, drinking wine and eating a few more (hundred) delicious treats. Do you

a) Be sick (after your friend leaves) before bed because you drank way more than necessary?

b) Eat the rest of the chocolates (there’s actually a lot left) between breakfast and lunch the following day before your kids come home from school?

c) Wake refreshed and happy to be alive and donate the rest of the yummies to the homeless shelter downtown?

Q. You cook your wonderful cherubs a full breakfast of scrambled eggs, breakfast potatoes (homestyle fries?) and baconised ham. It is all delicious and you shouldn’t miss out on any of the above because (insert innumerable obvious reasons here). Do you

a) Have a healthy serve of everything plus about a litre of tea to go with it?

b) Have an entirely unnecessary late snack and large lunch even though you are still sort of stupidly full from 6 hours ago?

c) Sweat it out at the gym and only nibble carrots for the rest of the day until you are actually hungry again?

Q. You are enjoying gym classes most days, and wear your sneakers even more often because they are great for your feet. But apparently they weigh about 6.5 pounds because at the doctor’s appointment where too many things are checked too often, you weight in around 10lbs heavier than what the scales at home say. Do you

a) Console yourself with food?

b) Reconsider your eating habits then binge on potato chips that you found hiding at the back of the pantry?

c) Get right back on myfitnesspal and stay under those miniscule 1200 calories per day?

Q. Your weekly routine includes almost daily gym classes and you post them regularly on your fitness tracking app to keep yourself motivated and see all the hard work you’ve been putting into your health. Do you

a) Start taking protein shakes after those super powerful weights classes and become what some may describe as almost chronically constipated?

b) Not update your calorie intake because the gym classes will even things out?

c) Get a toned and tightened ass within your goal time period?

Q. You turn up to the gym in some rad outfit and are ready to SWEAT IT OUT, HONEY! You are there on the wrong day. Do you

a) Get into the pool with the oldies even though you are pretty sure one of them tried to casually feel you up on his way across the pool during a previous class?

b) Google some new eatery because you are actually starving?

c) Try a new, really really hard class because you are ready for the next level of ass-kicking?

Q. Your kids are wonderful angels but today, they are sort of shits and you are counting down the seconds until bedtime. Do you

a) Open the wine at the dinner table?

b) Open the bottle to let it breathe while you take the kids upstairs at bedtime so it’s ready at the same time as your fave tv show starts?

c) Take some calming breaths and bring out the monopoly board?

Q. You feel like you have been doing a GREAT job these past 12 months by actually going to gym, rather than just letting them debit your bank account for nothing, but your clothes are not falling off you like thought they might. Do you

a) Get upset about it during a week of hormonal weakness at the gym while talking about it to your gym mentor person in front of other people?

b) Go home and eat whatever you can find?

c) Shake it off? Shake it off? You, you, you shake it off? Shake it off? Wa ha hooooo?

Q. Your youngest child asks about big boobs. Do you

a) Wish yours were bigger while saying that everyone is different and sometime bodies change for different reasons during someone’s lifetime?

b) Wish yours were bigger and leave it at that?

c) Say something like everyone is different then wear fitted tops from now on?

Q. Your children are very observant, and innocently comment on the size of your ass. Do you

a) Use your “Mom” status as reason enough to eat a shit ton of their halloween candy?

b) Eat more of their candy after they are in bed because half of it has wheat in it and one of your kids is gluten intolerant?

c) Playfully smack their adorable little botties and laugh all the way to the bakery?

Congratulations! You made it to the end of this quiz!

If you answered mostly ‘A’s, you may be a parent who has successfully put their kids to bed; you may even have a glass of wine in your hand right now and the tv remote in the other as you doodle online during the ad breaks. You are a successful multi-tasker and are doing a great job of this whole parenting bizzo.

If you answered mostly ‘B’s, you may be tired of your kids’ bullshit, but still love all their crazy shenanigans and embrace your “natural look” with no make-up or brushed hair and breakfast on your face some of the time. You only occasionally compare yourself to other mom’s at the gym who never seem to sweat through their airbrushed makeup. Good for you!

If you answered mostly ‘C’s, you may be a fictional character and can keep on living your happily ever after.

Cheers!

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Ways My Life Is Like a Soccer Game

Husband was watching the US v Portugal soccer game this afternoon, and the boys were jumping around on the couch being generally unhelpful. The similarities between the action here at home and the business onscreen were laughable enough to take notes.

* Lots of people running around in an overexcited manner;
*Injuries that are mostly exaggerated or fake;
* Time in half takes for-ev-errr; I just need this to be over already; when is bedtime?
* Bouncing things off heads and chests;
* Often kicking people instead of designated kicking items;
* Onlookers often in crazy outfits;
* Sometimes unfair refereeing;
* Yellow Cards (timeouts) and Red Cards (early bedtime);
* Cameras and phones everywhere to record all and sundry;
* People standing around holding their junk;
* Extra time for who ever cares, get in bed already;
* Exaggerated drama when things don’t go their way;
* People rehashing events of the day on social media after full time.

And THAT’S THE GAME!

Boy Behaviour

Do an internet search for terms including personality, probiotics, gut, and pretty much any other word, and articles come up that discuss how the bacteria in the gut affect brain function and any number of other things. Previously I have written about my experiences with 5yo’s energy levels. I had found a vitamin mix that seemed to help, but only a little. A friend shared an article on facebook (which I now can’t find) and it seemed interesting, and discussed how gut flora and etc may be linked to many things, including moods, personalities and even autism, and how probiotics can help. So I started dosing 5yo up as well, as 6.5yo was already taking them but for different reasons. I noticed a difference straight away. And it was more marked than when he started taking the vitamins. It was awesome. But it wasn’t so remarkable as to change his personality, which I have been worried about. Because he is an awesome kid (obviously), and I don’t want to change him, but I do need him to settle the hail down sometimes. Since taking the probiotics, he has not been as crazily energetic or annoying on purpose, or just o-v-e-r the top. Until the other day when Husband commented on him being a bit of a shit, and I realised we had not been as regular the last few days with the probiotic doses. A-mazeballs. And also, I had not taken mine either, and I was a leedle bit more grumpy. Hmmm. Either that, or I had run out of wine, but I’m leaning toward the former.

A Vitamin Update

A while back I wrote about trying B vitamins for 5yo, who can sometimes be a trying little fellow. Eventually the natural food store got the brand in store that I had read briefly about, and we have been pretty consistent with using them since. I can detect a difference, though it’s not always a big difference, in his crazy energy and subsequent behaviour. What I have found is that the crazy is somewhat stripped away to leave the raw and emotional nerves behind of a former 4yo, so he gets upset about things to the point of crying, like he did when he was a much younger 4. I can handle the tears better than a small tornado of crazy bullshit, but it still isn’t ideal. I am going to try 2 wafers in the morning and perhaps another in the afternoon, depending on the time. That is inline with the recommended dosage, but I will also try and cram him full of B rich foods in between. The rest of the time, I will continue to keep him – and the rest of us – busy with activities and food, and try to engage him more often as well. That seems more important recently, more engaging less, less entertaining. But I also don’t want to keep them/him too busy, we seem busy enough already and we don’t have a lot of extra curriculars yet. That is probably painfully obvious to some, but I am also entertaining nearly 3yo, and my poor middle child sometimes gets lost in the mix, and he also isn’t always sure where he belongs. Things would be so much easier if kids could just tell us what the hell is going on. Excuse me while I go and have a tantrum.

Birth Order Blues

Husband and I are first borns in our families. After reading through a book about birth order, I found that our personalities corresponded to typical first born personalities – one being the pleaser and the other being more assertive. It was interesting and funny to read about other birth order personality types and see how they matched to our siblings. Husband and I both had ‘chatterbox’ labels on our report cards all through primary/elementary school, and Husband’s family has the ‘chatterbox’ gene, but even so, 5yo could talk in wet cement. That being said, I cannot understand how my wonderful 5yo middle child can talk as much as he does, or why he does the stuff he does.
He upsets his brothers on purpose and uses his hands; he annoys people and is so fidgety and short attention span-y. He has loads of energy, needs constant attention, is great at sports but has not got fine motor skill co-ordination. Some of that I can understand – he is a boy so he has a lot of energy; we have always needed lots of physical activity in our house. He is young so doesn’t have a long attention span at the best of times, and as a middle child he needs attention more than his older brother but probably doesn’t get as much as his younger brother. I get that, I do. We try to find things for him to do, to keep him occupied and to use his energy. I try to find something that he will love so he will feel special. He is a great sleeper and can be so loving and even nurturing, but sometimes he is a real shit. Sometimes he makes me cry because he is pushing my buttons and his brother’s buttons when Husband is “in a different office”, over and over again. What can he possibly hope to gain but pissing everyone off all the time? Sometimes when I am overworked and understaffed I use harsh words, and when he is out of earshot I do some name-calling.
Plenty of parenting magazines have tips for happy kids and well-running households, and that’s well and good, but sometimes shit falls apart. One article I remember reading was about kids with ADHD or the like and how to deal with their behaviour. Firstly, I’m sure a 2 page article doesn’t even begin to cover it, but the brief paragraphs outlining behaviour and simple solutions sounded suspiciously like my 5yo. But they also sounded like every other kid I’ve met. I don’t think 5yo has any attention disorders, but his span is sometimes in deficit, so I googled vitamins for ADHD behaviour, and found B vitamins as a substantial assistant in a well-rounded approach to ADHD symptoms. So, today is the second day that he has had B12, and I will look for more kiddy Bs next time I’m oot and aboot. If they can help him focus a little more – and process his carbs a little better – then it will be great for everyone.