Tag: wine

Scottish Reflections

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Does anyone remember the semi-calamitous holiday a few years ago? #italy. Lost carseats, a small car accident and blah blah blah?
Well, this time we go to Scotland, land of pipers and who knows what underclothes, and our first flight (of three) was delayed, which meant that we would miss the next two, so we were rebooked, but apparently, the luggage department didn’t get the memo…
The first flight was ok; we were sitting a few rows apart but the boys were grouped accordingly; I was sitting with 8yo and we both read our books 90% of the time. It was utterly magical to see him engrossed for so long.
Off the plane, however, the only magic was not wringing their respective necks. Boys were a bit fighty and energetic without the requisite listening skills for an airport lounge, so I gulped a glass of wine between flights because I’m tired and, hello, wine!
We got on the next flight and I watched nearly 3/4 of the movie Jupiter Ascending, or Jupiter something, which was on my watch list for a while, but it was a bit disappointing in the end, before we even took off. I was wondering if the bags from the other delayed flight would make it onto our plane, but alas… Finally we took off and !wine! with dinner, then another movie, then I tried to catch some sleep, but the stupid pricks in front of us who had the bassinet seats, opened the window shades hours before landing, so my seat was quite sunny when it was supposed to be midnight. I used the c word a few times in my description of their actions to Husband, and I stand by my statement now, days later. So I might have got 20 minutes of actual sleep on the plane. I managed some undainty snores in the car whilst driving the idealic Scottish country, past castles and sheep, then fell asleep against the dashboard like a drunk. Yay for pedestrians.
Our suitcases ended up on the wrong flight. Luckily, husband suggested we take the wedding case as carry on luggage, and we had it with us. What a shit show if the dress had not made it! Because I made the dress myself, and what a waste of sneaky-only-sew-when-Husband-is-away time that would have been!
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We waited in the rental car club for too long with fidgety monkeys; we tried to find out where our bags were; we had to organise more carseats because ours were in one of the suitcases. We also needed to buy some clothes, since we only had wedding gear. Bloody hell. We managed to get to Gretna Green (home of elopements since the 1750s) and find a shopping outlet village. I was wearing what felt like days-old clothes: a loud orange print skirt (because it was perfect for air travel – loose and long), knee high Van Gogh Starry Night socks – for compression, red knit cardy which clashed loudly, but, again, is loose and comfy for air travel, sporting a large pink handbag, clashing just as much. Stares galor. #fuckimtiredandneedafuckingshower.
When we were sort of a bit settled, it was too late to pick up the kilt for the ceremony, so we had to do it the day of, and a short meeting with the bridal consult to confirm, oh, I don’t know, where the wedding is.
Anyhoo, in the wee hours we woke up because of the old concundrum of early to bed, early to rise in different timezones with the sun still high near 11pm. At least it provided an opportunity to double check the status of the flight our bags were (meant to be) on, because Husband had to collect luggage and return carseat rentals at the airport. But guess what? The bags weren’t on that flight, or the one the next day, or the day after that. Then on our way north during our itinery, there was a bag (carseat) that had arrived, so we picked it up at the airport on our way through. But where were the other bags? Nonody knew. T’was an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in United Airlines luggage tags. #notrocketscience
Yesterday, 5 days after landing, the other 2 bags finally did arrive and were – wait for it – delivered to the wrong hotel! Yes, delivered to Gretna Green, even though we left there 3 days ago and were calling those baggage fuckers every, single, day. By then we had repurchased much of what we had/have in one of the cases, so.. yeah. Good work United.
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In the mean time, we have visited some ruins.
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We aren’t even going to unpack one of the bags, and I only opened the other suitcase to pull out pajamas – what a luxury – and put in dirty clothes. #wine
Stay tuned to find out if the boys’ shitty behaviour is ruining other aspects of our holiday not otherwise affected by MIA luggage.

A Case Of The Boohoos

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Last full day of school for the big boys today. 6yo had his end of year class party yesterday and it was fantastically fun, with lots of great activitiea. 8yo had his party at school with thoughtful readings, snacks and outside water games. I got teary a few times listening to what the students read aloud.
One of the boys loved a sport and his mum, and dreams of being married. 8yo said Minecrft a few times and has downgraded his future employment from “sientist” to minecraft player, but he described himself really nicely, so I will try hard to have mellow summer and not worry about the yelling.
We are at the beach for the 30th anniversary of The Goonies this weekend (Heeeeeeey Yoooooou Guuuuyyys); no school Monday for parent teacher conferences; half days on tuesday and Wednesday, and THAT’S IT! Three whole actual months of holidays. Holy shit! I will be boohooing more if my wine stash isn’t up to the task.

Mom-Dating

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Meeting friends is hard. Taking care of kids is hard. Combining the two is almost torture. Unless you face the same struggles, then it’s something to bond over. Unless you go on a playdate and you completely shut down the dating dialogue because you have to watch your kids’ every move so they don’t
* run out onto the street
* piss in their pants
* piss on a fence at a park in front of other kids and maybe a parent, as well
* die of dehydration
* push their supposed friends
* beat the shit out of their brothers in front of other people
* touch all the food and put it all back
* eat other kids’ food
* steal toys from younger, helpless, bystanding children
* monopolise swings
That was just two hours.

You’ll  call me, right?

It’s a Rich Man’s world

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8yo told me the other day that we are wasting our money – he might actually have said we are flushing it down the toilet, since they are all on a poo/stinky/toilet humour kick right now – by buying school pants, because the knees always get torn. My response was something along the lines of “put on your pajamas and get in bed NOW”, but I think I might also briefly have touched on the merits of ruining only one specific type of pants during school, rather than every single pair they own.
The big boys don’t like wearing their school pants because not many of the other kids wear blue chinos, but Husband and I can hardly bear to see the kids not wearing school uniforms and so blue chinos is our compromise. The knees do get torn to shreds, of course, and I fix them when I can (when the sewing basket overflows) and then I cut off all the legs and sew them into shorts. I’ve tried those cute monster patches but 8yo abhors anything that will draw further attention. Granted, the second week of the new school year, those chinos aren’t so elementary school chic as they were the previous week, but I’m not ready to give up on them yet.
There are, in fact, so many other things that I might be construed as wasting our money on, even moreso then blue chinos for elementary-aged monkeys, and my list is thus:

Bedding. The boys use a fitted sheet, and a blanket. Sometimes a sleeping bag.

Beds. Sometimes the kids sleep on the floor under their beds. Sometimes they do this for days on end because “it’s fun”. I wish they would have told us that before we spent money on keeping them comfortable off the floor.

Bedroom Furniture. Their clothes are strewn from hell to breakfast at the best of times – especially inside their wardrobe – and then rolled up and stuffed into half open drawers. I could easily have kept all those plastic bags from grocery shopping (before I stopped using them) for clothing storage. I might also have been able to find an abandoned shopping trolley to store them in.

Toys. We have had endless hours of enthusiastic engagement and hilarity from cardboard boxes and tape. Maybe even some bubblewrap. But mostly just cardboard and whatever other pieces of random actual garbage are lying around. I built a NASA substation a few years ago with nappy boxes, an old earphone set from a plane trip, a few paper cups, an old computer keyboard and I don’t even know what other stuff was jammed into the cardboard. The point is that those pieces of cardboard taped together haphazardly were THE most awesome toy ever. The cost was zero. I mean, priceless.

Puzzles. They get emptied onto the floor semi-regularly, and thrown back into a box containing pieces from all of the 27 rarely-used puzzles because it’s too hard to sort them out.

Toy Storage. No explanation needed.

Vitamins. We don’t actually get these very often, and I’m sure it’s because 4yo picks his nose and eats it all the stinking time, sometimes just to spite us because we ask or tell him not to. His immune system could take a holiday for a month and still have nothing to worry about; he’s eaten so many boogers he’s got immunity banked up for bloody ages.

Cutlery. Nothing new here.

Table Cloths. I should know better than to waste money on table cloths.

You get the idea. I could buy many, many pairs of blue chinos with the money saved from not buying even just some of the items on this list. Or I could buy more wine, a massage, regular haircuts or relaxing treatments of various kinds so I would stop worrying about what I was wasting all our money on besides school pants.

My kids do Dr Seuss

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Vix in socks
Socks on feet
Body under blanket
Pillow under head.

Feet out of bed
Blanket on floor
Pillow on floor
Head bang on bed.

Big and bang go hand in hand, sir.
Big and bang are my good friends, sir.

Pee on floor next to pot
When this pee on floor ever stop?

Quiet! Quiet!
Mom’s coming upstairs.
Blame the cat and the hat for the mess she repairs.

No more bangs!
No more feet!
You need you blanket!
You need your sleep!

Wine in bottle
Now wine in glass.
Sound back on TV and sofa under ass.

Pop Quiz, Hotshots

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You are a busy parent of 3 kids – boys – 7 and under. You are moderately active but really, really like sleeping and reading on the couch or in bed. You sneak chocolates behind your spouse’s and children’s backs and sit down as often as possible.

Q. After hosting some sort of casual soiree – during which thoughtful friends bring chocolates, wine and delicious slices, all save one friend head home while you and the last stay up til midnight, drinking wine and eating a few more (hundred) delicious treats. Do you

a) Be sick (after your friend leaves) before bed because you drank way more than necessary?

b) Eat the rest of the chocolates (there’s actually a lot left) between breakfast and lunch the following day before your kids come home from school?

c) Wake refreshed and happy to be alive and donate the rest of the yummies to the homeless shelter downtown?

Q. You cook your wonderful cherubs a full breakfast of scrambled eggs, breakfast potatoes (homestyle fries?) and baconised ham. It is all delicious and you shouldn’t miss out on any of the above because (insert innumerable obvious reasons here). Do you

a) Have a healthy serve of everything plus about a litre of tea to go with it?

b) Have an entirely unnecessary late snack and large lunch even though you are still sort of stupidly full from 6 hours ago?

c) Sweat it out at the gym and only nibble carrots for the rest of the day until you are actually hungry again?

Q. You are enjoying gym classes most days, and wear your sneakers even more often because they are great for your feet. But apparently they weigh about 6.5 pounds because at the doctor’s appointment where too many things are checked too often, you weight in around 10lbs heavier than what the scales at home say. Do you

a) Console yourself with food?

b) Reconsider your eating habits then binge on potato chips that you found hiding at the back of the pantry?

c) Get right back on myfitnesspal and stay under those miniscule 1200 calories per day?

Q. Your weekly routine includes almost daily gym classes and you post them regularly on your fitness tracking app to keep yourself motivated and see all the hard work you’ve been putting into your health. Do you

a) Start taking protein shakes after those super powerful weights classes and become what some may describe as almost chronically constipated?

b) Not update your calorie intake because the gym classes will even things out?

c) Get a toned and tightened ass within your goal time period?

Q. You turn up to the gym in some rad outfit and are ready to SWEAT IT OUT, HONEY! You are there on the wrong day. Do you

a) Get into the pool with the oldies even though you are pretty sure one of them tried to casually feel you up on his way across the pool during a previous class?

b) Google some new eatery because you are actually starving?

c) Try a new, really really hard class because you are ready for the next level of ass-kicking?

Q. Your kids are wonderful angels but today, they are sort of shits and you are counting down the seconds until bedtime. Do you

a) Open the wine at the dinner table?

b) Open the bottle to let it breathe while you take the kids upstairs at bedtime so it’s ready at the same time as your fave tv show starts?

c) Take some calming breaths and bring out the monopoly board?

Q. You feel like you have been doing a GREAT job these past 12 months by actually going to gym, rather than just letting them debit your bank account for nothing, but your clothes are not falling off you like thought they might. Do you

a) Get upset about it during a week of hormonal weakness at the gym while talking about it to your gym mentor person in front of other people?

b) Go home and eat whatever you can find?

c) Shake it off? Shake it off? You, you, you shake it off? Shake it off? Wa ha hooooo?

Q. Your youngest child asks about big boobs. Do you

a) Wish yours were bigger while saying that everyone is different and sometime bodies change for different reasons during someone’s lifetime?

b) Wish yours were bigger and leave it at that?

c) Say something like everyone is different then wear fitted tops from now on?

Q. Your children are very observant, and innocently comment on the size of your ass. Do you

a) Use your “Mom” status as reason enough to eat a shit ton of their halloween candy?

b) Eat more of their candy after they are in bed because half of it has wheat in it and one of your kids is gluten intolerant?

c) Playfully smack their adorable little botties and laugh all the way to the bakery?

Congratulations! You made it to the end of this quiz!

If you answered mostly ‘A’s, you may be a parent who has successfully put their kids to bed; you may even have a glass of wine in your hand right now and the tv remote in the other as you doodle online during the ad breaks. You are a successful multi-tasker and are doing a great job of this whole parenting bizzo.

If you answered mostly ‘B’s, you may be tired of your kids’ bullshit, but still love all their crazy shenanigans and embrace your “natural look” with no make-up or brushed hair and breakfast on your face some of the time. You only occasionally compare yourself to other mom’s at the gym who never seem to sweat through their airbrushed makeup. Good for you!

If you answered mostly ‘C’s, you may be a fictional character and can keep on living your happily ever after.

Cheers!

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Husband is at work. I put the boys to bed then hastily cleaned the kitchen table before my friends arrived. I hosted a mending party where we drank wine and ate sweets, oh, and did a bit of sewing. Now, it’s past midnight and I’m drunk and the last friend left, and I guess I’m not going to the gym tomorrow.
I didn’t think I could do that on a school night, and I suppose normally I wouldn’t (because I dont feel too great lying down), but this was a happy night. Next time, though, I will drink less wine [insert bad photo here].

Normal is a wide range

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You know it’s been one of those days or something, when you absentmindedly start to put the wine bottle away instead of just taking it with you outside. I am so tired tonight, from doing a whole lot of bugger all, that the red almost went in the glass cabinet, wt??
5.5yo is at camp this week in preparation for full time kindy. He loved it. 3.5yo was a bit under the weather, but seems almost back to sparing levels, and so will be at his new school tomorrow. 7yo has expressed an interest in visiting the art gallery, so that will hopefully be our pm appointment. That is on the proviso that I quickly change at the gym into gallery-appropriate clothes and eat a picnic lunch I prepare tonight so we don’t have to go home, because it would be a massive pain for me to ignore all the housework that has to be done by 8am wednesday morning. Putting shit away is really not my forte.
3.4yo is back at swimming lessons on his own, rather than with his brothers, and is almost back to his former level of glory, hooray! Boo, I can’t find a photo. But I do have this…

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7yo made it to the next level in his swimming class, anf rock-climbing was the bribe/lure/reward. 3.5yo gave it a go last week when 5.5yo did his climb, so he managed to get a little bit higher this time.

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I’m watching the last vestiges of the sun fade away before I go upstairs to tell everyone to shit the hail up.

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And drinking my red. Everyone elected to sleep under their expensive beds tonight, and more fool me, I encouraged them to forego mattresses, so it sounds like there is a whole lot of bullshit going on right now.
Gulp. When is my bed time?

Hibernation – Who’s With Me?

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I don’t like the idea of layers of fat, but I do like the idea of sleeping for extended periods and being roasty toasty the whole time. That is the scientifix description of hibernation, and that is just fine with me. These are my sure-fire signs that one is going into hibernation :
One stops shaving one’s legs, causing the hair:body ratio to change drastically;
One eats for longevity, often carb-loading because they taste so so good;
Taking Vitamin D tablets as a substitute for sunlight, because sometimes one won’t go outside all day – sad but true;
Wearing slippers, robes or blankets over one’s clothes during the day because one will never be as warm as when simply staying in bed;
Drinking more than usual amounts of red wine, mulled wine, spirits, wine, beer or wine in the hopes that one will be able to sleep for the rest of the season.

Then I had to socialise a little, and decided that going to parties with hairy legs and sweats was not all it was cracked up to be. I have not shaved my legs yet, but I am trying to fight the 5 signs of hibernation – much as women everywhere are fighting the 7 signs of aging – and, while I have to be philosophical about it, I think I am winning this battle. But how?
I found extra time in my day, but only because my children are (gasp !NO! sob) growing up, and I decided against spending more time in the laundry or kitchen sink.
I joined a gym, so I am driving somewhere to exercise, and am figuratively nodding and backing away from the dust and clothing all over the otherwise perfectly good elliptical machine in the spare room.
I have become semi-obsessed with the group training schedules.
I put down the fork, even though forks love me.
I went out to dinner and filled up on a curry rice bowl so I didn’t have room for sweets. This now counts as a trend because I think about that one good decision all the time.
I drink a whole tea pot in one sitting, and try valiantly to ignore my body’s signs of withdrawal from late night snack sessions, which may sometimes be known as 4th meal.
I try to remember to open the blinds, so I can peer at the clouds in search of sunlight.
I try to wear actual clothes, instead of blankety things, and limit the use of my dressing gown (robe) to before noon on weekends.
I try very hard to limit my wine intake to when the boys are asleep. I am so very thankful that they (touch wood Touch WOOD) go to bed at a decent time and stay asleep for 10-11 hours each and every night.

Now I would like to get intimate with my heated throw, and that has got me thinking about a new category of hibernation: those in plain sight. Plain sight hibernating would require a bit of cunning, I think, but with some forethought as well, would be entirely doable, and now that I think about it, a must do. Tips for hibernating in plain sight include:
There is the snuggi, obviously, the group snug, the everything else snug and various snuggi rip-offs if one wants the same drab appearance but availability of opposable thumbs as when heaped in microfleece.
Get hi-tech on your blanketed ass and buy motorcycle heated thermal underwear, as well as shoe – or slipper – inserts.
Get one of those bras with wine in the cups that everyone loves on facebook right now, to increase your beverage intake and consequently your sleep requirements.
Hide carbohydrate-rich foods in places the kids won’t find them so you won’t have to share, like the bathroom – mine only run in at the very last minute and run out after the quickest of washes, so they wouldn’t have time to find those tasty snacks.

Use these suggestions wisely, else you find yourself pairing accessories with your fave snuggi for a seasonal party. That would be taking things a trifle too far.