These pictures sum up my every day, xo.
It’s A Cold One
Nothing better on cold nights than snuggling warm. Boys are in bed and I procrastinated long enough in the kitchen, so I’m retiring for the night. Tonight is “the big storm” that will bring the ice, etc, so we bought more wood inside and I’ve loaded the fire and the playroom/kitchen should retain some warmth tomorrow. But the rest of the house is another matter. We don’t “live” in all of our house, all of the time. Our bedroom gets used as a running track any time I let the boys splash water all over my bathroom before I chase them out again, and that’s sort of it for the day times. The boys’ bedroom is upstairs and mostly toy-free to encourage shut up and go to sleep. Our loungeroom is also exclusive of toys, and so the playroom/kitchen is where we gather, also because there are doors to close it off from the rest of the house. So we use the heater and, more recently, the fireplace to warm the place up. It gets pretty roasty toasty at times, and it’s great that it doesn’t dissipate everywhere as we have some seriously high ceilings. Anyhoo, walking in from the garage or after running through the frigid foyer when the fire is on – just luffly. Post bedtime, however, *shiver*.
My bedroom is currently 51F, earlier tonight it was just 50F. With the potential storm on its way, I won’t be surprised to hit the high 40s. Last year, Husband and I were suffering retchedly because memory foam pillows will cut a bitch when they are stone cold and you pick them up the wrong way! We ended up finding an electric throw which was fine for the couch but perfect for preheating the bed – and pillows! But actually, it was too small. We have a king bed, and while I obviously love my hunk of a husband, the last thing I want is to be sleeping right next to him, literally *right there*, in a bed the size of our first apartment. So it got kind of cold for one of us eventually. Now, however, cut to the Costco pre-holiday bonanza, and we found a king-sized electric plush blanket! So the end of the bed where our feet will never reach (we are both short) is hotter than the circuit board in my kids’ overplayed leapsters (especially when they play Rescue Bots, nearly 4yo is seriously obsessed with that game). Husband is missing out on this blanket action, so I have rolled myself up in it and expect to overheat during the night and wake up dehydrated because I was so bloody warm during the night. Mmmmmmm, warm.
But what about my arms when I’m reading? The blanket is massive enough for me to practically drape it over my arms while reading! I feel like that should have been written on the box, “great for reading in bed”. Now I just need a straw about a yard in length so I can continuoualy sip my tea, sans arms.
Pop Quiz, Hotshots
You are a busy parent of 3 kids – boys – 7 and under. You are moderately active but really, really like sleeping and reading on the couch or in bed. You sneak chocolates behind your spouse’s and children’s backs and sit down as often as possible.
Q. After hosting some sort of casual soiree – during which thoughtful friends bring chocolates, wine and delicious slices, all save one friend head home while you and the last stay up til midnight, drinking wine and eating a few more (hundred) delicious treats. Do you
a) Be sick (after your friend leaves) before bed because you drank way more than necessary?
b) Eat the rest of the chocolates (there’s actually a lot left) between breakfast and lunch the following day before your kids come home from school?
c) Wake refreshed and happy to be alive and donate the rest of the yummies to the homeless shelter downtown?
Q. You cook your wonderful cherubs a full breakfast of scrambled eggs, breakfast potatoes (homestyle fries?) and baconised ham. It is all delicious and you shouldn’t miss out on any of the above because (insert innumerable obvious reasons here). Do you
a) Have a healthy serve of everything plus about a litre of tea to go with it?
b) Have an entirely unnecessary late snack and large lunch even though you are still sort of stupidly full from 6 hours ago?
c) Sweat it out at the gym and only nibble carrots for the rest of the day until you are actually hungry again?
Q. You are enjoying gym classes most days, and wear your sneakers even more often because they are great for your feet. But apparently they weigh about 6.5 pounds because at the doctor’s appointment where too many things are checked too often, you weight in around 10lbs heavier than what the scales at home say. Do you
a) Console yourself with food?
b) Reconsider your eating habits then binge on potato chips that you found hiding at the back of the pantry?
c) Get right back on myfitnesspal and stay under those miniscule 1200 calories per day?
Q. Your weekly routine includes almost daily gym classes and you post them regularly on your fitness tracking app to keep yourself motivated and see all the hard work you’ve been putting into your health. Do you
a) Start taking protein shakes after those super powerful weights classes and become what some may describe as almost chronically constipated?
b) Not update your calorie intake because the gym classes will even things out?
c) Get a toned and tightened ass within your goal time period?
Q. You turn up to the gym in some rad outfit and are ready to SWEAT IT OUT, HONEY! You are there on the wrong day. Do you
a) Get into the pool with the oldies even though you are pretty sure one of them tried to casually feel you up on his way across the pool during a previous class?
b) Google some new eatery because you are actually starving?
c) Try a new, really really hard class because you are ready for the next level of ass-kicking?
Q. Your kids are wonderful angels but today, they are sort of shits and you are counting down the seconds until bedtime. Do you
a) Open the wine at the dinner table?
b) Open the bottle to let it breathe while you take the kids upstairs at bedtime so it’s ready at the same time as your fave tv show starts?
c) Take some calming breaths and bring out the monopoly board?
Q. You feel like you have been doing a GREAT job these past 12 months by actually going to gym, rather than just letting them debit your bank account for nothing, but your clothes are not falling off you like thought they might. Do you
a) Get upset about it during a week of hormonal weakness at the gym while talking about it to your gym mentor person in front of other people?
b) Go home and eat whatever you can find?
c) Shake it off? Shake it off? You, you, you shake it off? Shake it off? Wa ha hooooo?
Q. Your youngest child asks about big boobs. Do you
a) Wish yours were bigger while saying that everyone is different and sometime bodies change for different reasons during someone’s lifetime?
b) Wish yours were bigger and leave it at that?
c) Say something like everyone is different then wear fitted tops from now on?
Q. Your children are very observant, and innocently comment on the size of your ass. Do you
a) Use your “Mom” status as reason enough to eat a shit ton of their halloween candy?
b) Eat more of their candy after they are in bed because half of it has wheat in it and one of your kids is gluten intolerant?
c) Playfully smack their adorable little botties and laugh all the way to the bakery?
Congratulations! You made it to the end of this quiz!
If you answered mostly ‘A’s, you may be a parent who has successfully put their kids to bed; you may even have a glass of wine in your hand right now and the tv remote in the other as you doodle online during the ad breaks. You are a successful multi-tasker and are doing a great job of this whole parenting bizzo.
If you answered mostly ‘B’s, you may be tired of your kids’ bullshit, but still love all their crazy shenanigans and embrace your “natural look” with no make-up or brushed hair and breakfast on your face some of the time. You only occasionally compare yourself to other mom’s at the gym who never seem to sweat through their airbrushed makeup. Good for you!
If you answered mostly ‘C’s, you may be a fictional character and can keep on living your happily ever after.
Cheers!
Halloween Candy
I’m not doing a fucking buy back, we don’t have a switch witch. We get candy, we share candy, we eat the candy. End of story. If there is enough candy, we stop. If we argue about it, too bad. If we really have too much candy, we take it to the shelter for women and children. If we don’t want candy, we don’t take candy. There is not a whole lot of rocket science at our house. However, boys are indulging right now, so there will be some nonsense later.
Good Morning
It’s a lovely morning in the neighbourhood
He’s crying over breakfast like I knew he would.
He’ll waste his time at the table until
I pull all my hair out and I’ve had my fill
Of arguing over food that I know he likes.
I wonder if he’s just doing it for spite.
Finally they’re dressed for school with their teeth and hair brushed,
Husband is home from work so I don’t feel rushed
But the time, it’s still tickin and no one’s in the car
And no one has their lunch except for a cliff bar.
At least, today, everyone will be in school
So that I can nap or sew or watch tv or take a bath or eat the hidden chocolate or try on all my clothes or do some gardening or make MYSELF a microwave chocolate mug cake and not have to share it, and that would all be cool.
A Tail of Woe
‘Twas the night before school
But not even the first day;
I had already made the lunches
And was organised, I’d say.
I slept the night through and woke fine in the morning,
But I should have known better on that dark and foggy dawning.
When I walked past the bathroom
what did I find?
3.5yo in the bathroom
And to my surprise
He was climbing down from the toilet.
With – perhaps – trepidation in his eyes.
Because the loo and the wall and his hands and his pants
Were smudged with poo
And so I started to dance
With concern and disgust and while shooing the onlookers, I had to clean him and help him while protecting my fingers.
I grabbed at the TP and was searching for wipes
And that’s when I noticed the wall had brown stripes!
Oh! My dismay when I stripped off his clothes,
He refused to have a shower and was wiping his nose.
In cajoled him under the water and took the brush to his nails,
All the while imagining the germs if I failed
To wash my own hands enough and enough,
Because when I do their washing, it’s all the same stuff.
My widdle angel, at last, was sparkling and clean
With a spotless face and his nails and his bottom and peen.
And eventually dressed and fed and fighting in the car,
I was hoping this escapade was furthest and far
From the minds of big brothers when they got into school
So the tale would not find it’s way to the gossip pool.
All parents go through it,
I’m sure that they do,
But no one needs to know about the morning of poo
When I’m driving the kids through the carpool lane
And laughing eyes commiserate while I’m going insane.
So raise your wine glass for a toast to the routine of soap and water,
And, just to be sure, don’t forget the sanitiser.
It’s a Thing
Pumpkinrage: a state of being. Noun? ~ing, verb.
We went to a pumpkin patch and had a great day with friends and were prepared for rain showers, but were greeted with heat. That, combined with the long, long, stupidly long waits for ordering and receiving food would, on any other day, have been a formula for utter disaster, but fortune was favouring the unprepared that day. Anyhoo, we picked pumpkins and carried and/or rolled them to the bus, where I tried to stuff them into hidey holes or tie them down for the drive home that evening, but calamity was knocking on the door.
One sharp corner and this baby could have taken me out. Luckily, it didn’t take out the doors. I bagged it and hog-tied it, and eventually made it home, and we went inside for bed and whining about toothbrushes or what-have-you, and promptly forgot about the pumpkins.
Cut to a week later and we finally have time to carve those bad boys up, all over the floor and carpet, and all too close to each other with an array of implements.
Cue the rage.
Boys are eager to carve, but carving is hard and leads to random stabbing of pumpkin skin and proximity to siblings’ faces. Carving also involves scooping, which is slimy and gross, and everyone suddenly finds anything or something else that they would rather do. But they can’t bear that their pumpkin isn’t finished, won’t someone please finish my pumpkin? Someone does, of course, for cute picture potential, but also to finish and pack up the bloody mess, and perhaps try for some artisitic expression – I carved out a spider!
– and to satisfy 6yo’s desire to cook “the meat”. He forgets to eat it and cries while brushing his teeth. I slip on sloppy seedy stringies and have to pick all that shit up after bundling tired monkeys off to bed. I have 2 large pots of that stuff that 6yo wants to plant. Fat chance, son! The chickens will gobble that stuff up in the wink of a creepy pumpkin eyehole.
In the end, no one has done an enthusiastic job – except for 3.5yo, who has cut his little pumpkin into three pieces, and me – did you see my spider? – for more than 10 minutes, so the next 80 minutes that I spent bent over scooping and scraping and cutting, gets a little stabby. And my retorts to complaints of who gives a shit get a little sharper.
I know people who have pumpkin carving parties. To my mind, it’s a wonder their house doesn’t turn into a slasher film. I’m glad it’s nearly pine cone craft season; at least I can just sprinkle them with cinnamon, even after 3 weeks, and not worry about mold spores.
Husband is at work. I put the boys to bed then hastily cleaned the kitchen table before my friends arrived. I hosted a mending party where we drank wine and ate sweets, oh, and did a bit of sewing. Now, it’s past midnight and I’m drunk and the last friend left, and I guess I’m not going to the gym tomorrow.
I didn’t think I could do that on a school night, and I suppose normally I wouldn’t (because I dont feel too great lying down), but this was a happy night. Next time, though, I will drink less wine [insert bad photo here].
I Want Candy
The boys generally only watch animated stuff on tv or movies. 7yo doesn’t like bad guys, and there are more of those in “real life” shows, so… also, it’s easier to find age appropriate stuff that’s cartoon or computerised or whatever. Whatever. I have been able to find some age appropriate stuff that is “real life” but they are 30 years or so old, and so the boys take a bit of persuading to actually watch them. Of course, when they submit, they really enjoy it. Last year I found a movie about one of Santa’s reindeer being lost and hurt in a country town. At first, the boys weren’t interested, but I assured them that it was that movie or nothing and we all enjoyed it and were eager to finish watching it the following evening.
Tonight, the boys and I watched the Gene Wilder version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or Wonka or whatever, and it was all I could do not to talk about how much I wanted chocolate and candy and all sorts of melty, sweety, rubbishy goodness. But now the boys are in bed, and I am free to pine aloud. Because we have none of that here. Woe! So I’m attempting to make some sort of half-assed chocolatey satisfaction by mixing banana and cacao powder, heating, adding marshmallow and crackers. At the very least, it will keep me busy enough until I give up and go to bed if I don’t actually like it.
Combine
Stir
Arrange
Cook
Enjoy.
It was ok, but nothing on Cadbury. I’m going to stick with wine for tonight.
Bottoms up.
Easy like Sunday Morning
It’s Sunday morning; Husband is at rugby. This is THE day when I could put the kids in front a movie and go back to bed. We have loose plans for the afternoon but that is hours away; I could, actually, legitimately, go back to bed right now.
But there are heaps of things I want to do. However, they are the same things that have been on my to-do list for a month.
The boys are a bit cooped up and fighty, so they could use a break from annoying each other, and yet, I don’t want to reward their shitty behaviour. Oh, the dilemma.
(Pause for yelling and nonsense.)
I wonder what they would like to watch…
4 Princes and Me 