5yo starts kindergarten in September and so it will be daytime soap operas and martinis for me, or will it? Maybe I end up getting a job. It wouldn’t be the end of the world but it’s hard to imagine working for the man when I’m still working for my men right now.
My kids have ruined me and now I can’t imagine working for a boss that’s not myself, or someone who isn’t necessarily much shorter and younger than me spouting ‘tude and asking for a smack on the butt without challenging me on sexually appropriate behaviour in the workplace.
What would happen if I did stuff in an office – which is where I used to work – like what goes on at home?
? Swearing under my breath – someone would hear it and understand it and I’d get in trouble.
? Not doing jobs – laundry and etc piling up – I resent getting interrupted to have to do chores and I’m not sure I make that work in a situation where I’m getting paid in more than hugs and kisses and Darwinian satisfaction without having to actual work.
? Staying up late to be adulting rather than parenting, I’d be tired at work just like I am now, except that whole getting paid in more than thing again.
? Googling personal shit instead of what I’m really supposed to be doing. I’m pretty sure it’s harder to do when not reclining with phone in hand on a couch.
? Turning up late and letting coworkers to take care of their own shit, eg boys getting dressed and breakfasted and occupying themselves while I sleep in. Actually that sounds like a promotion and a payrise. Maybe getting out on the workplace won’t be so bad after all.
Tag: wine
Viz a Viz
Drinking.
Boozehound or parent of young children? Professional juice head or survivor of the trenches of parenthood? We may never know.
Actually, I have to presume that a professional would have hidden the evidence of their adventures a little better than this…
Ignore the mess, damn it
So that's where the coconut oil is
This one is actually just an empty box, but we got it when we renewed our vows in Scotland and the vintage is from our first wedding
Also, I am scheduling interviews for a housekeeping internship. Spread the word.
These Are Just A Few
… of my favourite things… about getting my period, because that’s what’s on my mind right now, not my money,
contrary to what the song would suggest.
1. I’m not pregnant! As an aside, Husband has been fixed so that would be a miracle of biblical proportions anyway. But in other news, this monthly pain in the ass occurrence still feels a bit like having a baby, the actual having a baby part, and I’m not down with that, yo.
Ha! Or whatever
2. I can eat whatever I want because I WANT
3. I talk about my feelings and desires in no uncertain terms during this time TOUCH ME AND YOU DIE, to avoid confusion.
4. My DIVA CUP enables me to turn somersaults during my sleep without concern for icky stuff. Google it.
5. I remember all of the important things I’ve forgotten over the years while I’m lying in my little heap in a quiet corner.
6. If all else fails I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don’t feel so bad
Putting Off The Inevitable
Grocery shopping has been high on the priority list for a while now, but we have managed to find meat in the deep freeze hiding behind forgotten vegetables and old bags of soup just enough times to delay it. Because, as everyone knows, grocery shopping with kids is often times annoying as fuck if not a downright nightmare. Occasionally, the stars will align and all three will be in good moods and willing to help and infighting is at a minimum, but then Neptune rises in my anus and it all goes to hell. So yes, we should have done it before now but we haven’t. That led to both laziness and creativity, including breakfast for dinner and dinner for breakfast. It is now Sunday and 5yo is heading to school tomorrow while I try to keep the big boys occupied and not complaining about the lack of fresh food. Because really, that is the going concern right now – the fresh stuff. We’re out of fruit except for 2 aging mandarin oranges, and some canned things that the boys refuse to eat unless they are baked into something and then lied to about the contents of, whereas we usually have apples, pears, bananas and a whole bag of aging mandarin oranges.
So we undertook a food cataloging activity and there’s actually heaps of food that 5yo can take for lunch tomorrow, and provided that I actually do some baking, there’s heaps of food that the rest of us can eat as well. And everyone knows better than to complain about eating eggs at every other meal now that the birds are putting out in earnest again. At the very least I have bought myself a day and maybe I go shopping with two out of three antagonists tomorrow and if not, the I take them all to Costco and bribe them all with new books. Frankly, that’s not the end of the world, and if it is? Then there is always our emergency cache of canned oranges and 2 minute noodles.
Love Actually Is
Not the root of all evil but the root of the root. Love finds a root then roots find love then make love, then give birth to love and eventually love to root again.
Can’t remember where I was going with this but I do love my children and I missed them a little bit but it was only a few days, so I loved the wine as well. And honestly, I wouldn’t have been able to do this
or look at this
or merely walk here
rather than running and screaming.
Just to clarify.
Jiggedy Jog
I won’t say it’s a rare opportunity because I’ve done it in consecutive years, and sometimes more than once in the same year, but compared to Husband fucking off everywhere for work, it is an opportunity afforded to me not very often, that I can be the one fucking off for a while by myself.
My Nanna turned 80 and Husband suggested I fuck off over there and spend time with my peeps- besides the ones I made myself – so that is what I did.
I hung out in the airport by myself and decided that if push came to shove, I could very easily take up residence in the nice new restroom in the new concourse near the 60s gates at SFO, because it’s that nice and I have standards.
I went and had lunch with my peeps at the beach and the peeps that they had made themselves. I gorged myself on the first real meal of unnecessary carbs and fats in weeks, and washed it all down with some earl grey and a glass of I’m on holidays.
Had an emotional lunch with my Nanna who is losing some of her marbles which is sad to witness, especially if you haven’t seen her for years and she was mostly fine before you packed your ass and family to move overseas. The upside was watching my other peeps and the peeps that they had made, run around like adorable cherubs and get in trouble with their parents who weren’t me. We also had some serious aussie tucker.
I saw some weekend cricket,
had some aussie bevvies,
a childhood throwback for breakfast,
finally made it to the footy club of my childhood,
kicked back under some gum trees,
caught the train over the Harbour Bridge,
thumbed my nose at the old office where I used to work with a few nice people and a few assholes as well,
went window shopping in expensive malls with breakables everywhere,
and generally waltzed through town taking in the sights until I ended up with a nice cup with scones etc at the delightful Queen Victoria Building.
The hotel was another chapter in a story of child-free adventures. Mum and I demolished a bottle of wine (and I thought we would have to take it upstairs if we didn’t finish it, who was I kidding) which was served to us in a super tall ice bucket by wait staff in suits with nary a child in sight. I introduced her to the Outlander tv show and she knows all about men in kilts because she’s read the books, and she confirmed that she does have a few books which I thought I gave her a while back which she denies, and I knew it all along.
Breakfast was a lot of things but also
Hot Cross buns.
eating the destruction of your lord and saviour in delicious cinnamon and raisin form.
Home again, home again jiggedy jog.
What a great weekend! What did I miss out on doing while I was back in oz? I can’t think of a thing! Wait until 2am and I might think of something, but I did plenty of drinking
Love this
and saw most of my peeps, ahem Nicole, got a bit of aussie sunburn (bbq chicken wings, anyone?) and saw some Kookaburras, parakeets and magpies. It was great, but also red wine and slippers are cool, too.
Adventure in Progress
I love it when the boys go on an expedition. They fastidiously pack their backpacks with snacks and drinks, hopeful that healthy snacks will allow them to take a treat or two, as well. They hunt for belts so they can walk with their swords, they grab jackets in case it is cold or wet, they often take books to read or notebooks to write in, and then complain when they can’t think of other important items to weigh them down on their journey. They encourage or discourage each other about bringing toys along for the adventure.
Once outside, they rediscover things forgotten and left outside for days or weeks, and pretend to hack stuff along the way to wherever they are going.
I like when they are gone for longer than ten minutes, which doesn’t happen often because they really wish I was going with them. I love that they want me with them, but as I’ve often said to them, kids can’t always have proper adventures when they are with their parents. I don’t recall any parents being involved when people were flying around on the wishing chair. I might have to read them some Enid Blyton books so they get the idea. Maybe 7yo will be ready ro read some of them himself, soon. In the mean time, I’m keeping myself busy by the fire.
Dry Runs
Been hearing a lot on the radio and tv about The Big One. Apparently our water supply – well, the town’s water supply, we are on well water but who knows if we will be affected the same way – sits on land that will be affected by liquifaction, so the water will literally go down the plug hole. Meaning everyone will die of thirst, or be killed as a result of fighting over water. Good times.
There was a blackout at our house last weekend, so we had a practice run as to how things will go.
1. Everybody exclaim over the lack of power
2. Flick every light switch on and off quickly. We have a large house with loads of switches…
3. Trip over every toy on the floor whilst attempting to play in the dark
4. Ooh and aah over candles with faces alarmingly close to the flames
5. Grab and run around with flashlights
6. Open the fridge and stand in front of it to look at everything. Close fridge without putting anything in or taking anything out
7. Discover water is not working because the well pump is on the electricity, and therefore powerless.
8. Assume last nights dinner was a poor choice. Go to the bathroom. The exhaust fan will not work. The toilet cistern will not refill. Call out through semi-open bathroom door not to flush if you only do a wee.
9. Crack open last of the bulk bottled water. Leave half-drunk cups of water in every room
10. Accompany child to the bathroom because it’s still dark. Curse lack of exhaust fan. That’s now 3 toilets that are out of water.
11. Give everyone the last of the clif bars for breakfast. Weigh option of driving to store to buy more: using gas, risk of riots, getting shot etc, drawing attention to your use of resources from envious and desperate fellow citizens…
12. Decide against foraying into town. Go upstairs to use the bathroom. At least this window can open. That’s 4 toilets now used. Berate self for not buying this:
13. Mentally attempt to locate the funnel
14. Give self a talking to in the mirror about justifying not buying the expensive washboard, even though there is now almost no way to clean clothing etc.
15. Collect eggs from the chickens. Initiate smug internal monologue about disaster preparedness.
16. Have power miraculously return and save family from untimely death due to dire bathroom conditions.
17. Flush toilets because you can as often as you turn off the lights the kids flicked on earlier during calamity.
18. Go out for breakfast, flaunting resources with your devil-may-care attitude.
Take away notes from this experience:
*she pee
*buy more emergency waterbottles
*store spare fuel stored in jerry cans
*install underground panic room and escape hatch under kitchen bench
*investigate diy youtube videos on kitchen joinery and tunneling reinforcement
*consider pillow treatment for all in event of global catastrophe…
It’s The Little Things
Nothing puts everything into perspective like getting ready to go out to a (OMG Foo Fighters) concert when one of the kids has a massive belly blowout and uses 1000 squares of tp to clog up the S bend, right as you want to run out the door. Add into the mix some colour-mixed clothes from the washing machine, new and far more complicated homework for 8yo, and now the traffic on the highway, and I am starting to get a bit of anxious belly myself.
Bullshit my kids say
I can touch my eye. It feels like a weird gummi bear
When chckens mate, are they making friends?
Can we build it?
7yo: no u can’t
Yes i can! You’re not in charge of me!
I hate when we don’t have a bouncy house
Are my eyes made out of meat?
How many years have I been built?
You mean when where you born?
No, built.
4 Princes and Me 