We re-watched The Martian the other day and we were discussing the sciencing aspects of the sciencing of shit. We just ordered Cast Away for the same reason – science and survival. Not sure how we’ll handle the ice-skate and the tooth but we’ll get through it.

We’ve discussed earthquake preparedness and other random and indistinct emergencies, which result in us not being able to go shopping or basically leave our property. We won’t be making bamboo rafts for floating away just yet, but I guess we’ll cover that during the movie. Other similar discussions bring up new and interesting aspects of cabin-fever and other ailments requiring diy home remedies, which I’ve detailed below.

It’s the end of days. Do you

A) Tell the kids it’s what you’ve been preparing for?

B) Quietly go about your business because you try not to mix in general society much anyway?

C) Crank up the generator, they’re already used to the obnoxious smoke and sound of the stupidly loud bastard?

D) Grab the bandanas, arm your family and go and raid your neighbours’ houses?

The electricity has been out for two days. Do you

A) Drink the cool-aid?

B) Have a shit-ton of firewood so who cares?

C) Burn all the stubs of those broken fucking crayons like you saw on Pinterest and use them as oil lamps?

D) Get up with the sun and go to bed when it’s gone?

You’ve eaten all of your emergency food. What is “rationing”, anyway? Do you

A) Fashion spears from the bones of the neighbours you’ve already eaten and go spear fishing?

B) Make animal traps from the green stalks of the plants in the garden and hope you catch a big squirrel rather than a skunk?

C) Leave the safety of your cul-de-sac for the relative abundance of the forest and hope for the best?

D) Willingly starve because your kids always refuse to try new foods?

The “big one” hits and your house is literally in pieces. You manage to get out unharmed and huddle together for warmth while you decide to

A) Walk to where you assume a big-ass shelter has been set up by an aid agency?

B) Set up camp in the backyard and tell stories about the good old days about paying good money to set up camp away from home?

C) Make your way under the cover of darkness to Redmond because that’s the only place that authorities will be able to drop provisions and provide support since the other major airports in Oregon will be completely fucked-di-doo?

D) Accept your fate because family trips are sort of always fucking awful in one way or another, and just kiss each other good-bye at bed-time?

The answers to this quiz provide no points, because of all of the above. I wish you luck, and may the odds be ever in your favour!