The first house my parents bought was in a small suburb, and may or may not have been full of asbestos. Their neighbour was an older fellow with an immense vegetable garden and an even more impressive collection of china plates. He was oft in the newspaper regarding his collection, but i couldn’t find any links on line. I think he passed away unmarried and I can only assume that his collection went to a local charity or community centre.
My grandparents often had plates on their walls as decorations; my parents didn’t have as many but they still had one or two. There was a blue and white Dutch plate, of course, as my dad’s family is Dutch, and there was the plate that said “I’m the boss in this house, and I have my wife’s permission to say so”. As I got older I understood it and  appreciated it; I wonder where it went. It probably got passed around for a laugh or ended up at the local charity store, much like half of my crap does when we have moved or cleaned out some part of the house. Maybe it’s still hanging in my parents’ kitchen… I should insert some marital joke or two, about who wears the pants, but I’d just as soon strangle Husband with said pants if he were to bring home a plate like that.

6.5yo has a wedding in the works, and he is oblivious. Bloody typical.
What was I doing in grade 1? In grade 2 I had a pseudo crush on a kid named Craig. He had platinum white hair and brown eyes, was smallish compared to the other boys and was nice to everyone, whereas the other boys weren’t particularly nice to the girls. Consequently,  he didn’t have boy germs so he was the one I chased at the birthday parties (perhaps he was the slowest). But I liked a different guy throughout primary school, he did have boy germs and I found it hard to look at him, much as our friends’ daughter feels about my son. I think he arrived late term, so maybe he just appealed to me as the new kid for the next 4 years.
I ask 6.5yo about his friends and who he plays with and what he does at recess and what kids in his class are doing, and I include the girls names when I am listing off people. He plays with them sometimes, but sometimes “all the girls do is just talk. They talk in line and walk around at recess and just talk.” I would prefer he isn’t playing ‘catch and kiss’ for another decade, at least, but are they really so uninteresting?
One of our friends’ sons has his own crush, but I am happy for 6.5yo to sit this one out for a while longer.

When we went back to Australia, we visited some friends and 5yo’s godparents. The Godfather is as funny as Husband and as straight forward when dealing with the kids, so when he suggested a trick, everyone was all for it. He did the thumb trick. It was executed perfectly, and then 5yo shit himself. Not literally, but it was a near miss, I’m sure, his face grew long and his mouth was a perfect oval of terror. After calming him down and sending him on his way, we laughed ourselves silly and commeriserated over the poor little poppet, he really was terrified. And that is what makes it all the more hilarious because 5yo is a fearless little upstart sometimes, in any or all regards.
So later, Husband and Godfather talk about pulling their heads off, and 5yo was scared silly, he might have been crying, I can’t remember, but he was screaming no no no! I don’t know if he was scared of them dying, or of seeing bloody neck stumps or terrified of ventriloquist heads floating in the air, or all of the above. Husband still covered his head with his jumper and ran around a bit, smart ass, but I think 5yo had run away by that point.
The other day, Husband suggested the thumb trick and 5yo was just as petrified, protesting vehemently, and husband and I laughed to ourselves after he went off to annoy his brothers.
Something to try at his 21st birthday.

The other day on the way to pick up 6.5yo from school, there was an accident on the road. We are a bit out of town and there is one corner where the accidents happen, that is also on a slight hill. I have never witnessed an accident happen there, thank goodness, but they are semi-regular occurrences there during the cold weather.
I don’t know if the road is extra slick there compared to other stretches, it is sort of a blind corner but mostly the accident involves only one car. A couple of times the car has been on its roof! Perhaps the driver wrenches the wheel on just the wrong spot in the corner, maybe there was an animal, but I cannot understand that happening at all unless they are driving stupidly fast.
Anyhoo, I do a good job, I think, of screening the boys from much of the wreck sites where I can, and talk to them about why the accident might have happened, and also why we shouldn’t slow down and look, or even look at all if we can reasonably avoid it.
When driving to school the other day, that accident made me feel sick when I saw the flashing lights through the trees. It was quite soon after the accident occurred, i think, because there were 5 emergency vehicles there, no traffic direction officer, and ambulance officers wheeling stretchers around. The road is near a bit of a drop off so I wasn’t going to try and turn around and go the long way around, so I sat there for probably 25 minutes.
I can’t see the drivers using their phones on that part of the road, but who knows, maybe they really were that careless. On the other hand, maybe the light – or lack of – and a deer on the side of the road with a tighter corner than they anticipated plus a downhill caught them off guard. I live in fear of getting a phone call like that.

We are parked out the front of the bank. I need to actually go inside the bank, how passe. After taking 6.5yo to school, we are early for even the Chase bank, and rather than drive another 10 minutes to do something for 5 then drive back, i decided we would just camp out.
I have seen a few staff members coming and going, and milling around inside, and i think they are taking the car rego details for future reference.
5yo refuses to keep his sweater on, ever, including this morning when it was 29F at school. So after convincing him to put the damn thing on, and helping him with his socks and sneakers for the same reason, i had to get nearly 3yo into some underpants. Yes, i actually left the house with a preschool-aged child, wearing no underpants. So pants off, underpants on, pants back on, kids jumping around in the backseat and now threatening to poke each others eyes out and break those new fishing rods so we couldn’t take them back to the store. Yes, totes gypsies. My eye make-up may even be a bit dark and smudged, and my kids unwashed and smeared with food. Totes gypsies.

I left my bag in the trolley at the sports shop today.  I left it in there and almost drove away. Wtf?! Sure, I was a little frazzled after shopping with the boys after school, but really? I never even did that when I was pregnant and my brain turned to mush the first time.
I don’t know why, but on some days the boys stop thinking things through like they normally do, and today was one of those days. I am tired and I can feel my throat getting swollen and uncomfortable – presumeably I am allergic to cheesecake – so I can’t remember any of their crazy antics, but go and ask that guy at the shop and he could probably list off a bunch of things about “that crazy lady and her kids”, probably things about me on one hand and about the kids on the other. But maybe he won’t, because he sold a bunch of stuff to a person who is probably too tired and busy (opening the red) to bring all that heavy shit back if something goes wrong, he knows which side his bread is buttered on. (I attribute that to my parents and it seems to fit here, but really, wtf does that mean?)
Anyhoo, how does one forget their bag? I put all the stuff in the car, with the help of said guy, got the kids half organized in the back seat, then ran the trolley back to the front of the store, with my bag in it, right there in front of my eyes. Perhaps I was too distracted by my fingers sticking to the metal, it was mofo’ing cold. Perhaps I was thinking ahead to the inevitable risotto and cheesecake; perhaps I was thinking about some peace and fucking quiet when husband takes all three boys out to use their brand spanking new fishing rods. Perhaps I was thinking about going back into the store and staring down the cashier who had the temerity to answer me with what might have been disdain, when I asked her for help, and sharing some rude words with her. Hmmm, one guess what I am reliving right now. Whatever it was, I’m glad I shook it off in the car JUST BEFORE I DROVE AWAY, and sprinted back and got my bag, because I have important things in there. Husband would suggest important things like my wallet full of credit cards and other ID, my boys would volunteer the whopping $5 caaaaaaaaash i have tucked in there, I would jump in straight away and say that my phone is pretty dang important – I can’t remember to do anything if I don’t get a nice little harpsicord reminding me about everything.  But let’s not forget the nice new shade of grown up lady lip colour I have, or nearly 3yo spare underpants (I have whittled it down to one pair), or my very old notebook that I have had for more than a decade and still like to write in occasionally, when my boys will give me back one of my pens. I also have gum, supposedly for calm and relaxation, which I obviously forgot about whilst shopping; vintage hankies, and whatever else is in there is not as important. Whilst those things are forgettable, obviously, the bag isn’t. ‘Sup with that, brain?

I am wilfully foregoing naps today, what am I thinking? Swimming for nearly 3yo finishes ay 11.30, so combined with whining about getting out of the pool and then getting out of the shower, naps on Tuesdays and thursdahs are a touch and go affair. School pick up for 6.5yo is strictly at 3pm, so naps for his youngest brother can be erratic. Anyhoo, we have stopped in for lunch at the cafe, and after he plays, nearly 3yo will fall asleep in the car and I will leave him there for the possible 25 minutes before we have to leave again for school. Falling asleep in the car does not constitute nap time. At least bed time will be less protested tonight.

I took the kids to the Planetarium a week or so ago, with not quite disastrous results, but I wasn’t surprised at the turnout of the evening, though I was disappointed. I was alternately fuming and laughing, and then we had made it through the whole show. Amazeballs!
Coincidentally, the boys had recently watched an episode of Bubble Guppies and they had been to their little fishy planetarium,  so the boys had an inkling of what the room would be like. However, that didn’t stop nearly 3yo from screaming out that “I can’t see I CAN’T SEE” when the lights went out. If we weren’t supposed to be awed and hushed I would have laughed out. The big boys kept asking if we were inside an alien ship (no) or if it was a rocket ship (no) and was it going to blast off (no)? They took more convincing than I would have thought necessary, and pointed out that were no seatbelts, and that all rockets have seatbelts. It might have been then that we needed to run out for a toilet break, and run around for a few minutes since the show was starting late, 15 minutes late to be precise. Add that to having driven 3 tired boys in the car for 50 minutes, with nothing to do but eat snacks, read books and look out the window – because you know that someone had fed pennies into the dvd player on multiple occasions and now it’s fuckdeedoo – when they normally would have been eating dinner and winding down towards bed time, shenanigans were bound to follow.
To be fair, there weren’t too many of them, and the people in front were more enamored with nearly 3yo rather than annoyed by him, but still, it turns out I’m sort of a stickler for being mostly quiet when in a room that bounces sound right back at you and 149 of your closest neighbours.
There was a bit of seat flipping, which really pissed me off, but frankly, what was worse was the ongoing high level scientific monologue, the whole time, with just one more interesting fact just 19 more times. It was too much information for me, let alone for the boys. We could have done with a few more minutes of quiet awe, because tben maybe 5yo wouldn’t have decided to sit way down yonder (just to piss me off?) and then encourage nearly 3yo to do the same and sit and chatter loudly together, prompting me to quietly go and have a discussion about being quiet, which actually resulted in me slipping and slamming my head into 6.5yo’s head and bruising my arm pretty badly on the arm rest as well. I’m pretty sure I was not quiet. I was sure at the time that 6.5yo would start bawling – and rightfully so – because it was a considerable noggin floggin’.
Eventually we made it through the show and I was ready to dash out to the carpark, but Q & As would delay us. And actually, 6.5yo volunteered info about Jupiter to all and sundry. Proud parenting moment!
It was a tiresome evening, but after a glass or (insert digit of your choice) of wine, I can say that it was worth it all (because of Jupiter and also) to see the look on nearly 3yo’s face when he was on the can and the auto flush kicked on (biggest, most perfectly round eyes ever) because his widdle bottom has almost no presence to detect. Totes adorbs!

…when nothing, you KNOW you are a mother because you are populating the mofo’ing earth. But just for the sake of conversation…
Motherhood is getting into the car and smelling hot chips (or is that bum?) and finding a box of leftovers. Sweet!
Motherhood is cranking the radio as I speed toward Winco to do grocery shopping by myself and being happy about it.
Motherhood is calmly and maturely using correct anatomical names for my child’s body parts, and being fine with not laughing because Husband isn’t available to partake in my hee-hawing. I never thought I would yell out PERIOD to my 6yo son, but that is what I have done, and it was ok, at least until I got in the car and could laugh without explaining why. I could never say the word before, but 6.5yo says it in regards to punctuation.  Personally, I say full stop. When the boys are stalling at bed time they end their shenanigans with good night Love You BYE! !HAVE A GOOD SLEEP! !!P E R I O D!!. Of course, I am waiting for the day someone tells me to have a good period.